The other day I was in Africa. I walked through a herd of antelope: it was near dusk, and my every footstep was deliberate and calm; birds flew through the air around me, gusts of wind whipped locks of my long dark hair across my face, the tall Savannah grass swayed like waves of an ocean. Every miniscule movement of every organism I was able to sense: the birds pruning their nests made the most delicate rustling noises—the insects underneath the ground made soft squirming sounds—the antelopes’ chewing of grass was distinctly audible as though I had my ear right by their mouths. I started dancing—a slow, sensual dance. I took off all my clothes, and the animals directed their gaze to my young, supple body. The sinewy flesh of my muscles writhed beneath my taunt skin, the veins bulged from my arms and chest and abs. All the animals of the Savannah started to move with the rhythm of my beat. My manhood was erect—my limbs felt like fire, a strong desire burned within me. Slowly, smoothly, I danced around a tree. The herd of antelope formed a circle around me and started digging into the ground with their hooves. They were so excited by my awesome moves; my fancy-pants moves put them into a crazy antelope trance. I closed my eyes—and as I did so, all of time and space boiled through a nexus in my mind. All time and power were now under my control—I had supreme knowledge of the universe. But it was too much to handle! My sanity started to spiral out of control; one moment I was completely sane, and the next I was crazy; then I was a tad bit crazy, but mostly sane; then I was sort of sane, but mostly out of my mind. And then I blacked out.

…When I awoke, I was in China. I was lying naked in the middle of a busy town. There were no cars, only Chinamen walking briskly by. I could tell that this was ancient China, and these were ancient Chinamen. I noticed that they all had antelope-size horns jutting from their foreheads—and as I looked into their eyes, I noticed a demonic hue of red that gave me the goose-flesh all over my body. When the Chinamen smiled, they revealed a mouthful of sharp fangs. It was then that I noticed their long tails ending with a point like an arrowhead. Ancient Demonic Chinamen I said to myself, as I stood up from my prone position on the dirt. The most wretched of all creatures in the Universe; they wantonly kill and maim and destroy, and pillage and rape and kill. But they all have day jobs, and a good work ethic. As I strut through the streets of Ancient Demonic China, a smooth techno beat started playing—and I couldn’t help but to sensually dance to the rhythm. Suddenly, a dog came out of nowhere and licked my naked leg: his name was Lou, and he became my lifelong companion, never leaving my side no matter how dangerous our situation.

I CAAAANT I CANT. I cant. I don't know why. I CAAAAAAAAAAAAANT.

This is a long one, you'd better get the coffee going.

Am I seriously the only person in the world that does not like the Twilight books/movies?  Seriously?
Everywhere I turn, it's Twilight this, Twilight that... and I just need to know - what is the with the teenage girls who obsess over Bella Swan, and want to be just like her?  I mean, what are you thinking?!?!  The book, which is directed at teens (particularly teenage girls) is seriously setting an unhealthy example:  Would you want your daughter/best friend/little sister/whatever looking up to an emotional unstable teen who wants to give up her life to be with her stupid vampire lover, who's not even that great?  Whatever happened to the feminists of Jane Austen's time?  Apparently, femminisim is overrated.  Apparently, the world wants to read about stupid little girls who don't know shit.

And now to move on to the quite pitiful writing spewed out of Stephanie Meyer.  IT'S TERRIBLE!  I mean c'mon, when I was in grade 4 I wrote better than that, and she graduated with a degree in literature.  And yet, the worst part, is that she sells millions and is proclaimed one of the greatest literary authors of all time.  Really, she's not.  I really do not care about how Bella Swan heated up left overs from the night before, and I really do not care about the miniscule happenings of her daily life.  I want characters with major conflicting flaws!  Bella's biggest problem is how she's going to break the news to her dad about how the love of her life is a vamp - which, (and I know it's JUST a book) is entirely unrealistic.  Granted, Meyer managed to portray the everyday goings ons in a regular teenage girls life, but that still doesn't make it worth the read. 

This book/movie does NOT, I repeat, does NOT deserve the hype or acclaim it's getting.  I mean really.

The scariest part about this is the fangirls who were actually screaming and freaking out in the lineups for the movie, and practically swooning over Edward Cullen (who, by the way, was also in Harry Potter, a better book/movie combo, but he didn't get the swooning and obsessing in that movie, now did he?) and crying when the film was over.  I mean, that's so great that you're really into something, but does it have to be something as superficial and flaky as this?
But the point I was trying to make but carried off on a tangent instead was:  If you say one thing against precious Twilight they will leap upon you and devour your sex organs.  Not all of them, I'll say, but anyone under 17, or anyone who still has the brain of a 12 year old.

So now I'm way to tired to continue on, but all I have to say is be careful who you diss Kristen Stewart, Rob Pattinson, Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, any of the Cullen's, movie Cullens, Stephanie Meyer etc in front of, because it may be your last words!